J's learning journey - Almost 2 years on

I disappeared rather quickly after my last post, and for a long time because
- life happen (quite literally!) but that's another story,
- I had little opportunity to use the laptop and blogger mobile wasn't working too great for me, and
- when I finally get to turn on my laptop, my inspiration disappears once I logged in. The thousand thoughts on my mind just went *poof* and I end up doing something else.

However, these few months, I found my previous logs and posts about baby and Lil' J to be very useful. There are so many little details I've forgotten, and would probably never remember had I not written them down. That's why I'm back this time, for a short documentation (which may end up a grandmother's story) of J's learning journey thus far. For future reference.


For the first two years, I mainly let J explore and play on her own.
There was hardly any planned activities. Not that I didn't want to; it didn't work out.
I did attempt sensory bins but the first one resulted in alphabet pasta strewn all over the place, and other invitation-to-play activities doesn't seem quite inviting to the little girl.
So, after pulling quite a bit of hair of and soaking in mom-guilt that I haven't done enough, I let it slide.
It wasn't a conscious decision. It was more of a "I'm-too-tired-to-fight-it-anymore".
We visited grandma's more because I couldn't cope. From there we tried to take her to places and give her more experiences.
Grandma let her play with oobleck, containers, vegetables ends and bits, stickers, or doodle. Whatever she wants. It was mainly sensory play, without the purposeful set up. It turns out that J likes it better when it's not "structured". And that I feel more relaxed now that I didn't have an expected outcome in mind.

I did a few thematic activities when J was around two.
It looked fun. It was fun.
But a part of me felt like it wasn't really genuine. J didn't like the activities that didn't involve her favourite - painting, or field trips. All the sensory bins (yes, I attempted again) I laid out, she didn't like it. Towards the end, I was confused about whether she learnt anything, or not.
During our activities, I had to make it sound and feel like it was "Oh! So fun!!!" just to get her interested.Somewhat forced.
To be very frank, I was bothered by what I saw on social media. The play activities laid out by other mothers look awesome, and inviting. And most importantly. it seemed like the children enjoy it so much that they could spend a lot of time playing with the set-up so why can't my kid do the same?
There were many days of doubt, and guilt.
Mine could only sit for a long period flipping through her story books, or spend hours on pretend play.
Hey, she could spend a long time with books and pretend play and I was complaining?! I don't know what I was comparing, and why.
I wasn't contented with what I was doing with J. I didn't feel I did enough, I had to constantly remind myself that it's okay.

It was only until our first family holiday that I realised what brings J joy. Which, I realised, was more important.
Playing in the creek.
Running in big spaces.
Trying out new things, like stepping on mud. (She actually removed her rainboots sneakily to step on the mud)
Falling in dirt.
Climbing a ladder.
Playing in sand and at the playground.
Just cuddling us.

All the simple things.
No planned activities. No intended outcome.
But so much learning took place.
I saw how empathetic she was.
How brave when she climbed up the high playground while I was freaking out below.
How she didn't fear when she fed the animals, or touch the reptiles.
How she observed wool and drew it in her journal later.
How she self-feed the entire trip.

Then I realised, I should let J be J.
When we returned, I had a short part-time stint which meant time away from J. Those days I wasn't working, we would just have fun together. No more thematic learning.

We set up a mini craft station where she had access to papers and drawing materials.
When we included glue and scissors later, she was so proud.

Then I saw her create. Freely.
She asked me to cut out shapes of birds and cats, and she decorated them after.
It progressed to paper towel roll art whenever she spot empty ones in the kitchen.
She was so happy, so was I.
She continued reading. This time, she could retell stories by looking at the illustrations.
She couldn't do it word for word, and she replaces some with words of her own but the gist of the story is there.


Then, school started, and I noticed how much she was learning in school.
So, we continued just having fun reading and letting her roll with the creativity and imagination.
I still have doubts.
I still try to slot in activities for her when I can.
But now, I know better what kind of activities suit her.

This is what I learnt.
There are many online which I can learn from, but I also learnt that not all are for J.
I cannot do printables and worksheets with her.
I cannot do activity cards for number recognition - J will remember the answers and the cards will be useless after the first use.
With J, it's always best to sneak in learning in daily life.
Unless she brings an activity book and requests for it to be done. Then she'll do it. Just a little bit.

I've also learnt that her attention span is not as long and she need tasks to be broken down to bite-sized.
She hates colouring with crayons and colour pencils. But to fill in a shape using other methods, she welcome them.
She likes cutting, and creating, and doodling on her own.
She enjoys painting -most are abstract.

She's learning to spell her name - much later than some of her peers, I believe. But she did it because she was ready. When she's ready. That's the key, isn't it?



It has been a long journey.
For me.
But I'm glad I wasn't too late in discovering what suits her better. Not best, because how would I know what suits her best? I can only keep trying. :)
And I'm glad I decided to let J, be J.

Brisbane - Gold Coast, Australia 2016

Our first family trip finally happened!
We have been wanting to travel with the little one for the longest time. If you know me, you would also know that it involved a long process of conflict between me and myself.
"Nah.. Baby is too young to appreciate. Let's not waste the money. Save up for a longer trip to a further destination next time."
"Who says babies don't remember? They do! See, she remembers this, this, this, this.. I'm sure she would remember the experience. Just go."
Repeat.
I like to torment myself mentally.

The tickets were finally booked this time when we casually asked J if she would want to go to a trip to see the animals in real life, after we saw how in love she was in the guidebook on Australian mammals gifted by a dear friend. She got really excited about the trip and after some evaluation and late night discussions, we book the air tickets for one month later, which, to me, was a crazy timeline to work with since it was our first trip with our toddler.

Intensive research followed but just a week before we were set to depart, J got hospitalized.
By a stroke of luck, we managed to postpone the trip at a minimal cost. I probably should not say that it was a blessing in disguise but we also managed to make some changes to our travel plans and cut down our expenses for the trip. We had been deciding between March and May before we booked our tickets. We decided on March because we wanted the trip to happen sooner. But March turned out to have more wetter days and I was regretting that choice. The postponement allowed us to travel in May and the two weeks we were there, we were blessed with wonderful weather. Perfect weather, in our hosts' words.

The trip turned out amazing. No matter how enthusiastic I was for my past trips, I will usually feel like heading home after a week or so. This time with J, two weeks went past so quickly we wished we had a couple more days in Gold Coast. It was more enjoyable than I imagined it to be, and it turned out to a trip to discover more about ourselves and grow as a family.

Because of our barely-existent itinerary, we did not manage to visit as many places most tourists would. But each day was well-spent, bonding with one another and just enjoying each other's company. I understand now, why some people strongly recommend traveling with your young child because those moments, are priceless. No matter how good or how bad, and trust me, there will be good and bad moments, they are those parents would want to cherish.

Her hero, her king.

I know of a man, who wasn't quite the boyfriend material.

He doesn't know the art of gifting.

In fact, he doesn't understand the importance of birthday gifts and celebrations.

Drove the girl nuts.

Having a glib tongue and whispering sweet nothings are not his specialty.

"Why say them if you don't mean it?"

Made the girl sigh at the lack of verbal affection.

Cuddles and hugs are never in public because there isn't a need to display these affections in public.

The girl just looked on with envy. Sometimes.

Fast forward a few years, this man became another man in front of another girl.

He still did not believe in giving presents, but he gifted her time and presence.

He gifted her the love of reading.

He gives her new experiences, and the opportunity to widen her horizons.

He made her feel safe each time she embarks on a little adventure or exploration.

He was always there when she needed him.

And he wasn't stingy with hugs and kisses.

He is her hero. 

He is her king.

What this girl doesn't know is that for her, he would do anything to make sure he becomes a better man.

For her, he was willing to make changes and work on whatever was lacking.

Made his old girl cry secret tears of gratitude.

To this not-so-wonderful-boyfriend but extremely-wonderful-daddy, 

Happy Daddy's Day.

My Big Girl Room

So, it happened.
Just like that.
J has been sleeping in her own room for a little while now.
Her room. She was quite clear about this.

We have not talked much about moving J into her own room since her birth; we are so used to having her in our room. We did think about beds and future room arrangements but we didn't think it would be this soon. It always ended with "We'll see how it goes." And we secretly enjoy having our baby in the same room as us. Probably Primary School, I thought.

Then the air conditioner in our bedroom started doing it's "drip-drop-drip" and it's as though we are used to the drill, we packed our pillows and blankets and camped in the playroom instead.
It was fun, to be honest, even for me.
But when the air-conditioner was finally fixed, J decided that she wanted to stay in the playroom.

I accompanied her for two nights before I bailed out on her. There was only one floppy mattress in the playroom which obviously goes to J. Sleeping on the playmat is better than the hardwood floors, but not so much fun for my back either.

"If you want to sleep in the playroom, Momma will have to go back to my own bed after you fall asleep. My back hurts."
"Okay."
"Then you will have to come in and let me know if you want the potty or milk. I wouldn't be able to hear you if you just call out to me."
"Okay."
"You sure you're okay?
"Yes."
Wow. Okay then!

It was about time. J is outgrowing her cot and with her constant kicks and flip-flopping at nights, the cot is falling apart (really, the sides aren't secure anymore) and she is probably not enjoying all the bumps on her arms, legs and head.
That night, we settled her to sleep and went off to our bedroom.
I was quite worried - I didn't know how she would respond to the dark. I wouldn't have responded well to it.

We kept waking to check on her. She didn't wake for anything on the first night, but she woke up earlier than we did in the morning to go to the bathroom. That look on her face. That "I did it, momma" smile. I gave her a hug and told her that she really is a big girl now for sleeping in her own bedroom. We did that each morning as an encouragement. I try to praise her efforts as much as possible. Until we were certain that she is really going to sleep in her own room, we got her a new mattress that would be better for her back. She liked having a new mattress - so proud of it like something she has earned.

It's been almost a week now.
She has woken once for milk, pretty much awake.
She has woken many times to use the potty. The last, she didn't even walk to my bed anymore.
It was just "Mama, potty, " and I hear the bathroom doors open.

Every time we return to her room, she has to have me beside her until she falls asleep.
A couple of times I didn't and she walked back to pull me back into her room.
Even though it's a major milestone for J to sleep in her own room, we are still taking baby steps.
As of now, we still stay in the room until she's fast asleep.
And will continue to do so.
Because, you never know. They grow fast.
Maybe soon, she won't need us anymore.

I think I am growing.

"I think I am growing to become a big girl," she told me out of a sudden while we were grocery shopping this weekend.
"Why?"
"Because I can use the knife."

It turns out it was because I allowed her to use a knife to slice bananas for breakfast that morning.
We didn't allow her to touch knives for obvious reasons, but we didn't allow her to touch those from our cutlery set either. It was an "adult" thing in the family.
But I thought it was time to get her to do simple food preparation like spreading jam, and, well, slicing bananas, so I allowed it. With adult supervision, I emphasized.

She did a great job, by the way. I was expecting her to smash the banana but she did manage to slice them to the thickness I told her. Then at breakfast, Daddy asked for the ones she sliced up and gave her some too. I didn't know how proud she was until she made that statement.

The Husband's actions reminded me of something.

Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small.

It did make a difference when we showed interest in what she was learning and what she was capable of.

And as I was typing this, I was reminded of a post I wrote about my friend's child many years back. The photos are missing but you can still read them if you like.
 Yet another reminder for me,

Let them try.

Sick-and-rainy stay-in Sunday

Sundays are usually outdoor-days because a certain little person needs to expend her energy. Said little person is now recovering from throat infection so we were advised by my mum to stay in.

It was hard but the universe made it a little easier for us by giving us some rain.

Staying indoors for the entire day is torture for the little one. She is getting quite bored of the books we have at home. And the toys are less attractive now that they have been around for close to a year. Or two.

We managed to each crack our brains and came up with something to tide us through the long day. 

Imagination

J did her part and has been quite creative in pretending that the clothes rack is her playground. Well, if we can't go to the playground, we bring the playground in. It's nowhere close to being a playground but she sure had lots of fun. We had to cut short the activity because The Husband and I both feel that the clothes rack is quite light and we don't want the clothes rack falling onto J.

Invitation-to-play

A contact paper craft inspired by Let's Tot School.

It became more of an invitation to destroy at the end. And we had a little confetti fun.

Song and dance

I was at my wits end after the contact paper activity because I had no idea what else to do. Then The Husband brought in his phone with Super Simple Songs playing in the background. Lifesaver!

J is very tickled by "cookies" in this song.

And these songs are perfect to dance along to, which we did. And J got to move around like she needed to.

This is my favourite!

I guess a stay-in Sunday isn't so bad after all!

(Not really. I'll pick outdoors any day.)

School? Or no school?

We are back to the question of "Do we send J to school?"

This question has been popping up rather frequently after J turned 18 months old. I've talked to my mum umpteen times about it. I've discussed with the hubby for months. I even spoke to my close friends about it. Pretty sure they are sick of my ding-dong-ing by now. Sorry girls! 

The last time I broached this topic, we decided that Grandma School is doing fine. Well, it still is. 

J gets her outdoor fun, nature walks and occasional swims (we don't really have luck with the pool. It's either closed or temporarily closed due to lightning alerts). 

She gets her sensory play and doodling sessions almost daily.

She gets story time with every adult in the house.

She is learning from play, through play, and other experiences, which is what I want. I think sitting down and doing worksheets can wait till formal school. I'm not eager to start her on phonics, yet. But I'd love for her to be in touch with nature as much as possible right now because I know that once she goes to Primary School, schoolwork will take up a huge portion of her time. Please tell me I'm wrong.

The only thing we are unable to provide - little friends. And that's the one thing she really need now. Friends. Interaction with children her age.

Decisions have to be made soon since it's the enrolment period for most playgroups. It's down to programmes I like vs the price tags. I really would prefer J not to start on academics so soon.

1. Julia Gabriel's PlayClub ($$$$$)

I like their programmes most. From the reviews I read, it's more play and not so much academics (phonics, counting etc) but good things don't come cheap. I've yet to formally ask about the fees yet but from what I gathered, it's easily $1000+.

2. Grandma School + My Gym ($$$)

Stick to Grandma School and attend gym classes once a week. From what I understand, it can satisfy J's needs for physical activities, and she gets to attend "school" once a week. And interact with the other children!

This is not as pricey as JG, but still, quite a strain on our pockets. 

3. Just Grandma School. 

And friends can wait till next year.

This is probably the most tormenting option for J - no little friends!

Or we could pop by the playgrounds and try our luck to see if we can make some friends. I used to make friends just by going to the playground, you know? 

Where are the other children?

4. Look for fellow SAHMs on Facebook.

Because Facebook is everything right now. I'd love this option but I also do have an unexplainable fear of meeting people I know online. 

5. (Dream on...) Go to some other countries and stay for a while

Okay. This option will never happen but I'm just going to put it down. Maybe Santa will see it and decide to give me an early X'mas present. I see the toddler reading library programmes some countries have. I see playgroups that focuses on play. I see the vast space they have and the endless opportunities the children gets to play in nature. So much envy. (But we have peace and stability.)

Ugh. 

Alright, let's put an end to this dreaming.

Anyway, I thought that thinking aloud may help ease the decision-making but it looks like this mental tug-of-war will last for a while. If I'm still up at 1am, that tells a lot. Fingers cross that I will be able to arrive at a decision soon! 

Edit: I've purchased three sessions of trial classes for My Gym. They are currently having the SG50 promotion. It's really worth it since the usual trial class is at $50 each.

Lessons from the Bub: Being aware

J is starting to vocalize her thoughts.
It's a wonderful thing because you get to know what she thinks.
And a toddler's thoughts are often so genuine. And mostly, funny.

There have been the amusing ones like "Mama, stay here," when she wants to walk to the towel on her own, to dry her hands. She even turns back to check that I'm not following her. I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this one.
Or the "Mama's belly button big.. TT's belly button small." 
Even her "TT don't cry!" when she doesn't get her way, is funny. It's like a verbal reminder to herself.

But these two days, she has been saying things that have taken me aback, and made to stop to think and reflect what I have done as a mother. They are also the ones that made me write this post.



She was trying to use her leg to open her door. Very naturally, I gestured to hit her leg, playfully. I didn't in the end, because the next thing I heard:  "Mama don't hit TT leg."

That day I was drying her after her shower and she was on her tummy, I hit her on her butt cheeks. She was being playful. It wasn't a spank, but it didn't turn out as gentle as I wanted to either.
Then I saw the tiny scar on her butt cheek. I don't know how she got it but it has appeared after she complained of pain some months back. "Does it hurt?" I asked.
"Ya... Mama hit TT."

Just a while ago, my back was hurting so terribly that I don't really know what I was doing anymore.
It was already 1 hour plus since we have attempted to "go to bed".
She was at the potty, and I had to clean her up. I pulled the onesie up and buttoned it up over her shoulders so that the pyjamas will not get wet when I wash her up. She didn't want to because her hair got caught between the snap buttons before, and it hurt. But I convinced her to, anyway.
I proceeded to unbutton the onesie after I was done. I was on auto-pilot.
Suddenly she spoke, with a little pout, so subtle that you can almost miss it. But I heard it in her voice. "TT ear painful. Mama hit TT's head. Mama open button SO hard."
She repeated the same phrase again when we were in bed.

"TT's ear painful. Mama open the button SO hard."
Wow. That hurt.
Because quite honestly, I didn't even realise that. Did I hit her accidentally?
I remember I was being grumpy, and in pain, and tired. I wasn't aware of how much force I had used to unbutton those snap buttons.

I thought.
Then I realised that I was also unaware of her feelings when it comes to my instinctive gestures.
Those so-called "natural" and "instinctive" gestures - my toddler didn't like them.
Of course she doesn't. Now that I put myself in her shoes, I wouldn't have, too.
But people do it often right? The "pretend-spank" and the "hit-the-bum". They somehow seem like a very normal adult-thing to do.
They are, right? Do you all do that too? Or am I the only one?



Anyhow, I'm glad my toddler spoke up. I'm glad she vocalized her thoughts and told me how she felt.
I wouldn't have known otherwise.
We usually don't think that much when we interact with toddlers, do we?
I'm not saying we should give in to them all the time.
Or over-think how they might feel and let that hinder discipline.
Or give up on fun altogether.

Just be a little bit more aware of what we say and what we do.
Because toddlers have feelings too.

One more thing for me to take note of, and learn in this journey of parenthood.
Thank you, love.

Making it better.

It's been more than one week since my last post.

During that one week, I read through articles on toddler discipline and temper tantrums.
I didn't specifically google them. They just showed up in my feed while I was trying to distract myself with Pinterest. It's amazing, yet a little creepy at the same time how Pinterest seem to "know".

I had a long post drafted. I didn't publish it because I wasn't quite done with editing yet.
It is a post about how the tips in the articles work.

Then we took a bus again.
I thought that J would sit still through the ride after the good experience I had once during that few days, and a pep talk from her grandparents. But nope. She started standing on my leg barely 5minutes after we left our stop.
So I guess the fancy post stays in the "Draft" folder.

But a couple of things I did learn though.


1. Stay calm.
This appears in almost all the articles I read. But this is also one of those "easier said than done" things to do. It's quite challenging to stay calm when your child is attempting gymnastics moves on a crowded bus. Or when she has already pulled off a too many strands of hair off your scalp. Or smacked you right in the face with your glasses on.

This takes a lot of conscious effort. For me, at least.
I have to take a deep breath and hold my tongue (and hands) before I do/say anything I might regret.
Some days I mentally bite my tongue so that I don't end up yelling.
Some days, I force myself to smile so that I don't end up with "STOPPPPPP!" *smack*

Staying calm does not make the toddler squirm less or behave better.
But staying calm did prevent the frustration from escalating.
I was once stupid enough to ask my toddler, nicely, if she would like to stay in the bus while mama goes home. I didn't get to sleep that night.

When I am calm, I noticed that J does listen a little better.
At least we are not engaged in a scream-yell-wail battle.



2. Recognise their feelings.
This is another one I see appearing in most articles.
I didn't realise how powerful it was until I tried it that day.

We were in the supermarket.
J pulled the typical toddler "scream-in-supermarket-and-trash-around" stunt, while pulling my spectacles off my face. I got really angry because I specially chose a pair of spectacles that can withstand smacking. Pulling, not so much.

She was already planking on my arms (think Superman pose) and I did contemplate pinching her to keep her quiet. I'm sorry I even had such thoughts. Thank goodness I stopped myself and remembered she hasn't eaten anything yet. I gave myself an imaginary smack on the head and asked her if she was hungry and sleepy. Surprisingly, she stopped whatever she was doing and gave me a sad look, followed by a nod.

"Okay. Mommy knows you are hungry so I'm going to make you some milk, alright?"
She asked for the stroller, softly. (Yes! No screaming!!)
"But we left the stroller at home. So let's go outside, Mommy make you some milk and I'll carry you when you drink, ok?"
*nods*
"Come, let me give you a hug."

And that's it.
A tight hug from her.
We made the milk.
She drank it.
NO. FUSS.

So powerful.


We tried it again a few times at the malls when we sensed a tantrum happening and it worked.
Sometimes, she would even remind herself "TT* don't cry."
*confetti*




3. Manage expectations.
This is, perhaps, the most important point for me to note.
It took so long for me to figure this out but better late than never.

I expected J to be Little Miss Prim-and-Proper, quiet in her seat throughout the bus ride.
I was one myself (quite!), so I think it is attainable.
I've also seen preschoolers who are capable of it.

That's probably where the problem lies.
I forgot that my daughter is a very active and extremely curious 20-month-old. Not a preschooler.
She's always on the go. (Sigh... I feel exhausted just typing this.)
She needs to move around.
She needs to look at that baby sitting across the aisle.
Or play with the lady sitting behind us.
Or catch the attention of the grandma a few seats back.

I remember reading somewhere that having a toddler in a confined space is recipe for crazy because at their age, they just. have. to. move.
I guess I'm pushing it a little to expect her to be well-behaved through two 50-minutes bus ride each day. After I got this right, the squirms and standing on the seat become a little more bearable.

We are still working on discipline, though, because I believe that eventually, she will have to learn to behave herself. But at least for now, there's less frustrations, I'm a lot happier and she is a lot happier.





* Among good friends and family, we call J "TT" so she calls herself that too.

Today, I judged my kid.

I don't exactly know how to start.

This is one of those days where J gets all squirmy and wriggly in the bus. She does that quite often when she uses up her "GOOD". Yes, I actually think she has a quota. When she's well-behaved in the day, my bus ride gets pretty "exciting". When she is exceptionally good and sweet that day, she becomes a little terror in the bus.

Today, she squirmed and wriggled.

And pulled my hair.

She wasn't even noisy. She was just squirming.

For the entire 50 minutes, she didn't stop moving. She couldn't stay in her seat too, so she kept struggling to get off the seat. In the process, the people sitting opposite us suffered a few kicks on their knees. 

It wasn't the worst day. She had pulled out my spectacles and smacked me on the face before. Only that today, the bus is less crowded and I can see the expressions on others' faces.

The two people sitting opposite us didn't look quite happy, obviously. The moment J kicked the man opposite us, accidentally, he'll brush his pants. I apologised but I think he didn't hear me. He had his earphone on. The lady, had a smile when she first sat down and that quickly turned into a stern look. I hope it was due to the text she received and not J. Or maybe that's just her "not-smiling" look.

I also saw bewildered looks, as well as looks of sympathy on some faces. I really hope it was only because I was too sensitive, but these thoughts raced through my head.

"This mother can't even control her kid. Tsk."

"Oh my goodness. This is one hyperactive kid!"

"Why didn't she tie up her hair?"

(This one, I have the answer to. Because I've tried multiple ways. Top knot, buns.. With hair ties or hair clips. None worked. The only way is to shave my head. Not kidding at all.)

"Why didn't she discipline her kid?"

(I contemplated hitting her, but what good does it do to spank a 20-month-old? Do they get it?)

That's when I felt my cheeks flush.

Not with anger, but from embarrassment.

I was embarrassed that my child was behaving like this in the bus. And it got worse when I remembered I was facing everyone else. 

For a moment, I wondered if J is just being a typical, curious toddler? Or is she hyperactive? Or, does she have any underlying issues I'm unaware of? ADHD?

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. 

I was exasperated.

I was certain that everyone was judging me. That my kid is probably "special". I don't want them to think that way. Now, as I'm writing this, I feel horrible for feeling this way.

Throughout the whole trip, I concerned myself with what I feel others would think. And those were not good thoughts. They made me feel that my child wasn't good enough. I was still embarrassed when we reached home.

It didn't help that she simply laid on the floor and didn't want to take off her shoes by herself today. (It didn't even occur to me that she has these moments because she's tired. I just figured that out.)

It was only when J ran to take her daddy's boxers from the dresser because she knew he was getting ready to shower, that it struck me.

I had judged my child. 

And I judged her based on what others see.
People who share a few minutes on the bus with us. People who didn't matter.

I forgot about the wonderful things she did that those people don't see.
Things that warmed the hearts of the people close to us.
Things that made me cry in the middle of the night because I'm thankful I have her as my daughter.

The smile every morning when she wakes; she doesn't whine in the morning.

The kisses she plants on us when we are injured, or unwell.

That look of concern when she thinks someone is hurt. Anyone.

The hugs she gives because she knows when we are feeling down.

The sudden "I love you!"

The request for family hugs.

Her independence, and readiness to try new things.

Her eagerness in helping around the house.

Her sensibility.

And by the simple fact that she takes a new pair of her daddy's boxers to the bathroom because she knows he is getting ready to shower. Without us telling her to.

I forget I often think that she's the best thing that has happened to me. A rather easy baby. And a very cheerful one.

I really want to kick myself for judging her. I can see some of you kicking me virtually already. 
That reminds me of this one quote I want to remember.

I Love You!

We have been playing the *muacks* "I love you!" a lot lately. It's actually just an excuse to plant kisses on J's chubby cheeks. She likes that too.

J has also learnt to say the phrase after I play Hi-5's L.O.V.E to her once every few days. (I relaxed my no-screen rule a little.) 

That morning on the bus, she climbed onto my lap. I rolled my eyes, held my breath to control my temper, and was about to go "No standing on the bus!" when I felt her arms wrapped around my neck as she muttered a soft "I love you!"

It didn't matter that I had only three hours of sleep the night before anymore.

(And thank goodness I didn't yell at her.)

The dilemmas of a mother

When you were really quiet during the first three months, just staring and giving what appears to be condescending looks (we know they are not), and when your smiles are so precious because they are so rare, I wished you would be more friendly.
Now you stop to wave and smile at everyone, make sure they enter the lift as you stay behind to watch the lift go up, high-five random people we see at the malls, I thought "My baby is too friendly."

When you were little and quiet, just lying there on the mattress, I wished you were more active.
Now that you are a ball of energy, I get really tired and wish you would slow down a little.

When you refused milk in the past, I wished you drank more. Now I worry if you are over eating.

When you were little, I wished you would grow up faster so that we can have tea parties. But now that you are bigger, I wish time slows down a bit and that you don't grow up so quickly. 

I wished you'd learn how to self-feed soon but when you really do attempt, I secretly groan as I watch spoonfuls of porridge drop onto the floor. (Clean-up is not so fun when you are an adult, baby.)

There are some things that I say you are "too little" to do, but some things you had to because you are "big enough already."
(I tried not to confuse you by splitting the age into five categories: 
small baby, big baby, small/little girl, big girl, adult.)

You are now big baby+ little girl. I use that interchangeably. So there are some things you can do, and some you can't. But I guess you are confused. I get confused sometimes too.


I guess being a mother, I'm going to have a lot of questions and a lot more dilemmas in future.
That's motherhood, isn't it?

Why I try not to post photos of my child

I've been meaning to write this for a long time. I'm just not sure how I should start, especially since I am pretty sure I might offend a group of parents. Good thing no one really comes by so here it goes.

The title of this entry should probably read "Why I try not to post photos of my child (that shows her face) on social media".  Because I still DO post photos of J, but mainly of her feet and her legs and her side profile. 

You see, I'm tempted too. 

I'm tempted to put up photos of J when she hits a new milestone. 

Or when she gives the sweetest smile.

Or her cheekiest grin.

Or her in adorable clothes.

Or awkward poses that leaves my tummy aching from all the laughing. 

But I just can't. Not with her face, at least.

The huge momma-pride in me still wants to share though, so that explains the back view, the feet, the arms....

I'd love to post photos of her too. And take part in baby photo competitions. Or try my luck for her to be a brand rep on Instagram. Have you seen those wee ones? They are adorable.

BUT...!

I cannot compromise her privacy. 

She's a baby now, yes. But when she grows, does she want to find out that Mommy has posted photos of her in that inappropriate pose? We may decide to delete her photos in future but those stay on the www. Everything stays. It just doesn't get deleted completely, permanently.

I cannot compromise her safety. 

Imagine my horror when I saw, one day, comments on a popular account saying that user XXX have been grabbing photos of their children and posting on his feed, without their parents' permissions. That person may not have malicious intentions but what makes us so sure? Once it's up on the Internet, it's there. Even if your Facebook or Instagram accounts are private.. It's still there.

It can get used without your knowledge.

Have you seen Internet memes with children's photos? I admit that some are really hilarious. But I'm also rather sure that not all are used with the parents' permission. Would I want to come across a meme one day and realise that it's my child?

And if you really need convincing that anyone can use your photo without your knowledge, read this article.

Have you also read those articles about how unsafe it is if your photos are geo-tagged?

It's just not safe.

It's very common now, you know. To have everything published on social media.

"I just ate."

"I just baked."

"My kid is here doing this."

"Look at her!"

We get so absorbed in the social media world that we forget to filter what needs to be known to others and what don't. I get that momma-envy when I see such photos on Instagram, and I get this close to succumbing to post J's adorable little face on the Internet. (Yes, she is adorable. Because which mother doesn't think her child(ren) are the cutest?) 

But I know I shouldn't.

How can I make a compromise just for that few moments of (my) joy? Some may disagree. I have no issue with sharing our babies' photos. But I do think that in our eagerness to share, we sometimes forget what actually is important. Joy vs safety.

We also get so eager to take that picture-perfect photo that we forget to enjoy the actual moment, that could be perfect, even though it's not picture-perfect.

*

Do we really want to post up that photo?

Food for thought. 

I'd still love to post up photos of J but maybe I'll stick to her arms, and legs, and back profile.

Eventually.

When J was still a teeny baby, I wasn't sure if she would put on weight at all, because she drank so little milk and took very long just to finish one bottle of it. She did, eventually.

I used to wonder if J's tuft of hair would grow and flatten at all. It did, eventually.

When I heard a little boy of 18 months speak relatively well, I wondered if J would be able to say so many words as well. But she was only 11 months old then. She did, eventually. 

I am envious when people tell me that their babies sleep early and they fall asleep not in anyone's arms but in their cots when you place them in while they are drowsy. I wonder when that day would come. It did, eventually. Even though J fell asleep on my bed instead of her cot.

Right now, I wonder when J will actually sleep enough and when she will outgrow her habit of hitting people and pulling their hair when she's sleepy. 

But I know she will. 

Eventually.

Till then, have a little fun.

** I try very hard not to compare J and other babies because Comparison is a very tough game. But sometimes I fall into it unknowingly. But I will learn. Eventually. (And I hope soon enough.) 

{Dear Baby} Mama.

Dear Baby,

I want to cuddle you so much now but you are sleeping so I'd better not. You were crying out for "Mama... Mama..." just a while back and quite honestly, my heart ached. And I teared a little.

You see, I've left you with Popo at her place a couple of times because I have things to attend to and leaving you to stay over was the best option. And each time, I received text messages from Popo before 10 pm to tell me that you are already asleep. Extremely cooperative little bub.

Today, we happen to be staying over at Popo's again. Both of us. You did not nap in the afternoon so you are clearly exhausted but somehow, you didn't want to sleep and I figure it must be me. So I told Popo in dialect, hoping that you won't understand, that perhaps I should have gone home instead. And that's when you started sobbing really bad and asked for "Mama." I immediately went over to cuddle you and assured you that I wasn't leaving. But you requested for kisses in the most pitiful tone I ever heard.  "mu-ack." *sob sob*

We left you alone with Popo in the room after that so that she can pat you to sleep. That's how it usually is. But I could hear you, as I stood outside the room. Your frantic cries for Mama.

I've often joked with Popo and your daddy about how you don't seem to miss me when I leave you at grandma's because you don't ask for me at all. Today I realise you do. You were only being that sensible kid when I didn't stay over. I wish I didn't have to find out this way though. Your cries for "mama" really broke my heart.

Love you lots (and I'm not going to abandon you. Ever.), 

Momma

When "I'm sorry" could be too much

J has a wooden ladybug toy. During our play previously, I've ever told her that she should not step or throw that toy because "ladybug will feel painful." 

Last night, she was holding onto the ladybug and playing with it over the play yard when she dropped it. J had a worried look on her face and kept going "Oh! Oh!" as she walked into the play yard, then she looked at the ground and continued going "Oh!", this time looking really sad. 

She bent down and picked the ladybug toy up ever so gently (as if it was badly injured), and looked at me with really sad eyes. I told her I'll give the ladybug a boo-boo kiss and it will get better. But she kept touching its red nose going "ohhhh :("

Did she think it was blood or something?

We had to give ladybug multiple kisses and ensure her it's really okay before trying to distract her with other toys.

*

I found a post in my draft folder talking about a similar topic. 
My momma guilt.
I had meant to publish this but in all busyness, I forgot to.

I don't know if I'm considered a strict parent but we have been modelling (is that the right word to use?) J's behaviour since she was a newborn. Sometimes it's intentional.

We let her sit on the parenting station since she was a month old and join us at the dinner table - I wanted to teach her that she should be seated at the table during mealtimes. 

We usually say "Thank you" each time we receive a favour but did it even more explicitly when J learnt to hand us objects.

I say "Please" to her when I needed a favour. I know some parents don't.

I apologise when I hit her accidentally, or when I let her dirty her diaper after she gave us the cue. I also know of some parents who never apologises.

Lately, I noticed that J is a child who feels guilty easily and I'm not sure if that's her character, or if I'm the one who cause it unknowingly.

1. We noticed her cue for pee after an incident at BabySPA. The first time she peed on the mat, we did what most adults would - we gasped and say "oh no!" The next time she did it, she lowered her head (to look at her pee) and went "Oh." I swear I saw a look of guilt on her face. She was only about eight months old.

2. J stuck her finger into my dad's nostrils during play recently and scratched it so bad, it bled. Grandpa was in pain and J looked guilty again. She didn't even want to go close to my dad after that. For that day.

3. She is into tearing lately, so when she tore some pages on the third book, I told her that books are for reading and she wasn't supposed to tear them. "Say "I'm sorry." to the books, darling." And she did. (She apologises by putting her hands behind her ears. Taught her that when she kept whacking her Daddy on his face, right where the spectacles are.)

One morning she accidentally ripped a piece of paper and she paused and looked at me - the "oh crap! I tore this paper" look. I was taken aback at that reaction. I know she's not supposed to tear books but tearing is a motor skill she is learning so I have to let her year something, somehow. So I had to explain to her that it's ok to tear this scrap piece of paper. "Mommy gave this to you for tearing."

4. J used to enjoy pulling the hairs on her daddy's leg elicit his gasps of pain. She finds it funny. Recently, when the husband gasps in pain, she stops completely and gives her sympathetic "ohh." (Signifying pain) 

5. J stepped on her aunt's packet of biscuits and crushed them. We tend to animate objects for imaginative play so she was told that the biscuits feel painful. Her lips turn downward immediately into a really sad :( , gave the "ohh" and looked at her aunt. We were not expecting such a response, it kind of threw us into panic. So we told her the biscuits would be fine after she sayangs them. She did, and hugged the packet of biscuits. 

Then she proceeded to hit herself (gently) on her cheeks. We didn't know why she was punching herself until the sister puts everything together, and I thought that might be it.

When J fell and hit her head on the floor, and was crying badly, my mum gently hit the floor. I'm not sure if it's an Asian thing but a lot of mothers do that. I told my family once that J picks things up fast because she gently bumped her head on the wall and the next time she walks past that spot, she gave the "ohh" signifying pain, and tapped on that spot on the wall. She "hits" whatever that caused pain. She caused the biscuits pain, so she hits herself.

I don't know if this happened because I'm making her apologise too much. But I realise that I have often, unintentionally, put my baby on a guilt-trip. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this. Because each time we gasp/exclaim in pain (and that's a natural reaction), she will give a sympathetic and almost guilty look, whether she caused it or not. We don't even really dare to react from pain right now.

I'm not sure if I've done it wrong or right, and I am trying to fix things.

If you have any inputs, please share it with me. I'll gladly listen to them all because I'm learning.

The things I love about you #4

It's raining so J is sleeping in late and I actually have time to look through the drafts folder once again to discover posts I had meant to publish, but did not.

This was written when J was 10 months old.


I love how you can now put in the pacifier on your own with ease. I still remember the days where you had to pinch the teat and turn it all over before you manage to put it into your mouth. With A LOT of effort. Now there's it feels magnetic.

I love how you still try to find ways to balance your bottle when you are drinking your milk just so that you can play with your fingers.

I love to watch you eat. The way you chew your food is beyond adorable.

I love your babbles. Each "mama" "papa" "borbor" warms my heart.

I love your not-too-gentle way of snuggling us to sleep. I'd much prefer you to act a little more ladylike but body slamming is better than no snuggles at all.

I love your toothy grin. Before you grew teeth, I wondered if I will still like your smile as much. I love it even more now.

I love your smile when you see us first thing in the morning.

I love everything about you.

{Dear Baby} Thirteen.

Dear Baby,

In case you didn't know, we've had a ball of a time this month.

You are more expressive now and with the increase in your vocabulary, well sort of, it's so much easier to communicate with you nowadays.
You laugh, A LOT.
And give us cheeky smiles. Really cheeky ones.
But that also meant that you are starting to get into bigger temper tantrums.

*

You request to be seated with us at the dining table during (our) dinner. Some days you drag the high chair to indicate you preference to sit on it. Most of the time you will smack your lips and try to get us to allow you to snack, but on days when it's only Daddy having dinner, you are satisfied sitting on the high chair at the dining table with him, reading your book.

You love to read lately!
(But you are less enthusiastic in putting the toys and books away, unlike the past months. Are you at the "tossing" stage?)

You babble a lot recently and these are some of your first spoken words.

papa   (really sweetly) for daddy
popo   for maternal grandma
mama   for mummy, the sweetest sound I hear each morning
gonggong   for maternal grandpa, you take a lot of effort to pronounce this
nainai   for paternal grandma
jiejie   for elder sister
gor gor   for elder brother
ah gong   for grandpa. You'll usually go "ah gong" when you see anyone of grandpa age
ah ma   for grandma. You'll usually go "ah ma" when you see any old ladies
yiyi   for aunty. I just discovered this but any young lady is called yiyi.

You can't quite pronounce jiu jiu yet so you chose to call him gorgor for now.

burbur  bubbles
golgol doll doll
nana/banana (on good days) banana
dup drop
na you meant take
ches cheers

You tend to look intently at our mouths when we are saying a certain word you are interested in and we know you are learning.

So somehow this book became "ugh ugh, guh guh..."

because...

and this colouring book is called "kuh kuh kuh" because I accidentally went "C... kuh kuh, kuh-lock"

Animals are your favourite and you get really excited seeing them. So we have been looking out for cats and birds on our way out.
You are able to identify some of the animals now.
You point to them when we call out the names of the animals.
For some, you know their respective sounds and how they move around.

cat meow
dog wu-oh
cow moo
bird "bor", kroo kroo
sheep ba ba
ladybug
lion
flower
rabbit *sniff sniff*, hops
fish 
elephant ngggg, followed by arms pretending to be an elephant's trunk. You also know that they stomp and you will mimic.

You are also able to identify body parts.
Hair
Hands
Legs
Eyes
Nose (you can identify everyone else's nose but somehow when it comes to yours, it's always the ears.)
Ears
Belly button FAVOURITE!

And you are learning to say these words.
hair
arm (your favourite so far)
no(se)


That's a lot going on in one month, isn't it?
But that's not all.

You know how to give us facial expressions on cue.
Happy face -- big cheeky smile (works even during mid-cries sometimes)
Angry face -- okay, this one is funny. It's either the angry pout, or you grit your teeth. Makes us laugh all the time
Sad face -- you don't do this well all the time but when you do, it's that doe-eyed, little pout, and you hang your head. This gets me all the time.

We just learnt the crying face today and it's hilarious.

And you are really expressive, remember?
You squeal when you are excited.
Like when we put on the shoes for you, or when you get to take on seat on your own on the bus or train (and not on our lap). Or when you spot belly buttons.

Your widest smiles take place when you poo in the potty and you see the poop. Like that's the best thing in the world. or maybe because "potty is happy".

We haven't been going to that many exciting places this month, but we did check out the Christmas decor at the airport. And you love the nutcrackers. And that dress.

Momma noticed how tall you have grown now. Such a big girl already. I'm looking forward to all the new things you will learn, and the fun we will have with you as a "new toddler". Love you so much!

Edit:

How can I forget this? You love pretend play. You pretend to yawn. You pretend to feed us food and your stuff toys drinks. And you pat your stuff toys to sleep. I love it. 

Smooches and cuddles,

Mommy

One year on in mommahood -- I survived!

One year on as a momma, I'm glad I survived!

(Really. At one point I thought I would crumble from exhaustion.)

The one year has been fun in general, watching J grow from a squishy, rather scrawny little bub to a healthy, happy, (and quite strong!) little girl. While celebrating J's milestones and growth, I also want to take this time to look through my challenges and fears during that period, and accept that this is really part of parenthood that everyone (well, probably everyone) have to go through.

Sleep. What sleep?

I remember I used to cry at the lack of sleep. For someone who requires at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep (then), the night feeds and waking up in the middle of the night to baby's slightest movement was a little too much to bear. I thought my maternal instincts would ease me in that transition but no, I wasn't able to keep awake. Most days, I wasn't able to function properly at all.

I still remember crying to two-month-old J, pleading for just a shut-eye. She was sweet enough to let me nap for at least half an hour. No fuss, no cries. Just lying in her cot, looking at whatever is around, until I woke.

I'm lucky to have my mom come every other day to take over baby duties just so I can take a proper nap in the afternoon and recharge myself. She has to take the bus here early in the morning so I really, really appreciate what she has done for me.

I later learnt to sleep while feeding J. And she obviously didn't drink much then, because my supply was insufficient. And that was how she needs to suckle to sleep from then on. Hello Binky!

My baby is not eating. Much.

I have had a few comments about how skinny J was. Especially when I was hanging out with my neighbour's girl who is a month older, and eats really well. It was exasperating because that was the same period of time where I was fighting so hard to feed my girl breastmilk instead of relying on formula milk. Every other time, I find myself searching on "My baby doesn't eat" in hope to get some solutions.

Thankfully, we brought her 'swimming' and she got hungry and drank more

Also, thankfully I stopped insisting and converted her to formula milk. She cried less after that so I reckoned she hasn't really been well-fed before that.

My baby doesn't really sleep a lot.

J still doesn't really sleep much. And I have long given up on Google searches.

If she is happy and growing well, then I guess she is sleeping enough?

Right?

I have to take baby out? How?

How am I supposed to deal with diaper changes?

Or milk feeds?

The initial days of trying to take J out was extremely challenging. I had to convince myself to get out of the house. I was afraid I would forget the essentials. Like diapers, the pacifier, shawls for breastfeeding. Then I was afraid I couldn't handle J if she cries in public and I'm alone.

But I was lucky to have a neighbour who is extremely encouraging, took me out of my comfort zone, and who showed me it is really okay to take a baby out. The BabySPA sessions also kind of 'forced' me to go out, somehow. The staff there was encouraging, and so, after two to three weeks, it was actually a breeze. 

I'm glad to say that I can prepare milk for J anywhere now. I've even tried doing so with one hand. Circus!

And we can now go anywhere!

I'm happy I've kind of overcome them.

I'm now bracing myself for the terrible twos.

Bring it on!

A Day in the life of a SAHM

When J was about 9 months old, the household was in a mess.
Chores were not done.
I wasn't able to cook dinner.
Books were strewn all over the floor.
We had the typical tiff that goes "But you are at home the whole day!"

Desperate, I typed this on Google - "A day in a life of a SAHM"
I was hoping to get some ideas on how the other stay-at-home-mothers cope.
How did they get chores done?
How did they find time to cook?
Did they shower?
As certain as I was that I was doing something very wrong, I was sure that someone would blog about their daily routine. And they did. Many someones, in fact.
Only that in all the posts I clicked, everyone's babies seem to take at least one two-hour nap in the day and sleeps at eight at night.
And so I gave up.

My baby doesn't really nap!

So, if you are like me, I hope this post makes you feel better.

Here's my average day:

6.30am -                         Wake up and prepare breakfast for the husband.
                                        Cook baby's porridge.

7.00am -                          Eat breakfast because I'm already hungry at this point.

7.30am-ish -                    Husband leaves house for work. 
                                        Baby wakes and has her milk

8 am or so -                     Baby bathes
                                 
Until lunch -                     Play! Sing! Storytelling! Dance!

About 12 -                       Baby has her lunch

Until about 7 or 8* -         Play! Sing! Storytelling! Dance!

About 9 plus -                   Daddy-baby time 

                                         I get to bathe!!

About 10 -                        Going to bedroom time

About 11.00 -                   Baby sleeps

11.00pm -  12 midnight - Pick up stuff around the house

                                         Boil water

                                         Eat (because I'm hungry again) while surfing the net

12 plus am -                     Finally goes to bed

This looks like a crap piece of assignment from an indifferent teenager, but this truly is how my day goes. At *, J takes one or two 30-minutes nap and that's when I get to go relief myself, have my lunch and if I'm really lucky, the nap gets extended and I get a chance to have a quick shower.

And here's my good day, when J goes to BabySPA. Good because it's quite structured.
The timing are all estimated.

6.30am -                         Wake up and prepare breakfast for the husband.
                                        Cook baby's porridge.

7.00am -                          Eat breakfast because I'm already hungry at this point.

7.30am-ish -                    Husband leaves house for work. 
                                        Baby wakes and has her milk

8 am or so -                     Baby bathes
                                 
Until lunch -                     Play! Sing! Storytelling! Dance!

12 plus -                           Leaves house to go to BabySPA

Around 2.00pm -              Chat with the ladies at BabySPA
15 minutes later -             Baby has her swim
30 minutes later -             Baby is done swimming
30-45 minutes later -        Baby has fun playing with the staff at BabySPA on days that are not crowded.

about 3.30pm -                 Baby sleeps! YES!!!
                                         I have my lunch/tea. Usually this.

                                         Then we'll shop around the mall

5.00 pm -                          Head home
                         
Until about 7 or 8* -          Play! Sing! Storytelling! Dance!

About 9 plus -                  Daddy-baby time 

                                         I get to bathe!!

About 10 -                        Going to bedroom time

About 11.00 -                   Baby sleeps

11.00pm -  12 midnight -  Pick up stuff around the house

                                         Boil water

                                         Eat (because I'm hungry again) while surfing the net

12 plus am -                     Finally goes to bed

But I really want you to know that things really do get better.

Now at 11 months, J has a more structured nap-time. Still 30-minute naps twice a day but at least they are around the same time so I can plan my lunch and stuff. 

She can also sit to look at her book on kittens while I have my lunch. 

And she has learnt to play on her own in the playpen for about 15 minutes without attempting to climb out.

And most, importantly, she sleeps earlier now.

My typical day now looks like this:

6.30am -                         Wake up and prepare breakfast for the husband.
                                        Cook baby's porridge.

7.00am -                          Eat breakfast because I'm already hungry at this point.

7.30am-ish -                    Husband leaves house for work. 
                                         I sweep / mop / ME-time

8.30-ish -                         J wakes and has milk

Until lunch -                    Hang around the library to pull and read books.
                                       Walk around the house
                                       Baby attempts to open every single cupboard door and drawer
                                      *Nap time at around 10.30 am

12 plus -                         WE have lunch and carry on with above

2.30pm -                         J naps.

3.00pm -                         We sit by the bookshelves and read / make a mess

5.30pm -                         If I'm lucky, J naps again, or she sits quietly.

                                       I try to prep dinner.

                                       Else, I'm most probably at the bookshelves. Again.

8pm -                             Daddy time

9.30 pm -                       Time for bed!

That is an improvement, isn't it? We've come a long way.

I'm pretty sure things will get better soon. *keeping fingers crossed*

And it will for you, too.

Disclaimer:  I see the need to watch J constantly because she climbs the playpen if she really wants to get out. Same for the cot too. She struggles to stay in the parenting station. She tends to mouth everything. Safety is my top priority. All that said, J is still a really sweet baby and not a little terror as I may have portrayed from the routine above.