Today, I judged my kid.

I don't exactly know how to start.

This is one of those days where J gets all squirmy and wriggly in the bus. She does that quite often when she uses up her "GOOD". Yes, I actually think she has a quota. When she's well-behaved in the day, my bus ride gets pretty "exciting". When she is exceptionally good and sweet that day, she becomes a little terror in the bus.

Today, she squirmed and wriggled.

And pulled my hair.

She wasn't even noisy. She was just squirming.

For the entire 50 minutes, she didn't stop moving. She couldn't stay in her seat too, so she kept struggling to get off the seat. In the process, the people sitting opposite us suffered a few kicks on their knees. 

It wasn't the worst day. She had pulled out my spectacles and smacked me on the face before. Only that today, the bus is less crowded and I can see the expressions on others' faces.

The two people sitting opposite us didn't look quite happy, obviously. The moment J kicked the man opposite us, accidentally, he'll brush his pants. I apologised but I think he didn't hear me. He had his earphone on. The lady, had a smile when she first sat down and that quickly turned into a stern look. I hope it was due to the text she received and not J. Or maybe that's just her "not-smiling" look.

I also saw bewildered looks, as well as looks of sympathy on some faces. I really hope it was only because I was too sensitive, but these thoughts raced through my head.

"This mother can't even control her kid. Tsk."

"Oh my goodness. This is one hyperactive kid!"

"Why didn't she tie up her hair?"

(This one, I have the answer to. Because I've tried multiple ways. Top knot, buns.. With hair ties or hair clips. None worked. The only way is to shave my head. Not kidding at all.)

"Why didn't she discipline her kid?"

(I contemplated hitting her, but what good does it do to spank a 20-month-old? Do they get it?)

That's when I felt my cheeks flush.

Not with anger, but from embarrassment.

I was embarrassed that my child was behaving like this in the bus. And it got worse when I remembered I was facing everyone else. 

For a moment, I wondered if J is just being a typical, curious toddler? Or is she hyperactive? Or, does she have any underlying issues I'm unaware of? ADHD?

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. 

I was exasperated.

I was certain that everyone was judging me. That my kid is probably "special". I don't want them to think that way. Now, as I'm writing this, I feel horrible for feeling this way.

Throughout the whole trip, I concerned myself with what I feel others would think. And those were not good thoughts. They made me feel that my child wasn't good enough. I was still embarrassed when we reached home.

It didn't help that she simply laid on the floor and didn't want to take off her shoes by herself today. (It didn't even occur to me that she has these moments because she's tired. I just figured that out.)

It was only when J ran to take her daddy's boxers from the dresser because she knew he was getting ready to shower, that it struck me.

I had judged my child. 

And I judged her based on what others see.
People who share a few minutes on the bus with us. People who didn't matter.

I forgot about the wonderful things she did that those people don't see.
Things that warmed the hearts of the people close to us.
Things that made me cry in the middle of the night because I'm thankful I have her as my daughter.

The smile every morning when she wakes; she doesn't whine in the morning.

The kisses she plants on us when we are injured, or unwell.

That look of concern when she thinks someone is hurt. Anyone.

The hugs she gives because she knows when we are feeling down.

The sudden "I love you!"

The request for family hugs.

Her independence, and readiness to try new things.

Her eagerness in helping around the house.

Her sensibility.

And by the simple fact that she takes a new pair of her daddy's boxers to the bathroom because she knows he is getting ready to shower. Without us telling her to.

I forget I often think that she's the best thing that has happened to me. A rather easy baby. And a very cheerful one.

I really want to kick myself for judging her. I can see some of you kicking me virtually already. 
That reminds me of this one quote I want to remember.