J is starting to vocalize her thoughts.
It's a wonderful thing because you get to know what she thinks.
And a toddler's thoughts are often so genuine. And mostly, funny.
There have been the amusing ones like "Mama, stay here," when she wants to walk to the towel on her own, to dry her hands. She even turns back to check that I'm not following her. I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this one.
Or the "Mama's belly button big.. TT's belly button small."
Even her "TT don't cry!" when she doesn't get her way, is funny. It's like a verbal reminder to herself.
But these two days, she has been saying things that have taken me aback, and made to stop to think and reflect what I have done as a mother. They are also the ones that made me write this post.
She was trying to use her leg to open her door. Very naturally, I gestured to hit her leg, playfully. I didn't in the end, because the next thing I heard: "Mama don't hit TT leg."
That day I was drying her after her shower and she was on her tummy, I hit her on her butt cheeks. She was being playful. It wasn't a spank, but it didn't turn out as gentle as I wanted to either.
Then I saw the tiny scar on her butt cheek. I don't know how she got it but it has appeared after she complained of pain some months back. "Does it hurt?" I asked.
"Ya... Mama hit TT."
Just a while ago, my back was hurting so terribly that I don't really know what I was doing anymore.
It was already 1 hour plus since we have attempted to "go to bed".
She was at the potty, and I had to clean her up. I pulled the onesie up and buttoned it up over her shoulders so that the pyjamas will not get wet when I wash her up. She didn't want to because her hair got caught between the snap buttons before, and it hurt. But I convinced her to, anyway.
I proceeded to unbutton the onesie after I was done. I was on auto-pilot.
Suddenly she spoke, with a little pout, so subtle that you can almost miss it. But I heard it in her voice. "TT ear painful. Mama hit TT's head. Mama open button SO hard."
She repeated the same phrase again when we were in bed.
"TT's ear painful. Mama open the button SO hard."
Wow. That hurt.
Because quite honestly, I didn't even realise that. Did I hit her accidentally?
I remember I was being grumpy, and in pain, and tired. I wasn't aware of how much force I had used to unbutton those snap buttons.
I thought.
Then I realised that I was also unaware of her feelings when it comes to my instinctive gestures.
Those so-called "natural" and "instinctive" gestures - my toddler didn't like them.
Of course she doesn't. Now that I put myself in her shoes, I wouldn't have, too.
But people do it often right? The "pretend-spank" and the "hit-the-bum". They somehow seem like a very normal adult-thing to do.
They are, right? Do you all do that too? Or am I the only one?
Anyhow, I'm glad my toddler spoke up. I'm glad she vocalized her thoughts and told me how she felt.
I wouldn't have known otherwise.
We usually don't think that much when we interact with toddlers, do we?
I'm not saying we should give in to them all the time.
Or over-think how they might feel and let that hinder discipline.
Or give up on fun altogether.
Just be a little bit more aware of what we say and what we do.
Because toddlers have feelings too.
One more thing for me to take note of, and learn in this journey of parenthood.
Thank you, love.
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