My 'breastfeeding' Journey - Why I fed my baby fomula milk.

Not too sure why, but there are many articles and blog posts on breastfeeding I see floating on Facebook lately. It's the usual talk about how good breast milk is and how terrible it is to feed babies with formula milk. It triggered many thoughts because I'm the mother who supplemented my baby with formula milk.
Right from Day 2.

I know "Breast is best."
Given the ideal conditions, I'd love to have my baby breastfed exclusively too. Till she's at least six months old. I've read up so many articles on nursing while I was pregnant and I couldn't wait to nurse my baby once she's born.
I even bought breast pads.
Many friends have told me to prepare some formula and bottles in case my supply doesn't come so soon.
I refused.
Because I strongly believe my boobs will be able to provide sufficient food for my baby,
And they don't drink much during the first few days. I read that it is fine for them to go without milk for about 3 days. As long as they pee and poo.

Alas, Life loves to play the game of OPPOSITES.

My baby couldn't latch.
I didn't know Lil' J couldn't latch. Each time the nurse pushed her into the room from the nursery, I'd try my best to latch her on. She was a very sleepy baby that even the nurses had difficulty waking her up for milk. But when we managed to, she was on my boobs and I thought she was taking in milk.
Until a nurse came during one of the feeds, looking rather concerned, and told me that Lil' J hadn't peed nor pooped the entire day.
"We might have to supplement her with milk if she still doesn't pee or poo."
Can I say "no"?
I know it's alright for babies to go without milk for a short while but this girl has got NO output.
As a new mum, I couldn't insist on breastfeeding at the expense of her well-being.
"Okay. But could you please spoon feed her."


I doubt I had colostrum.
I rented a hospital-grade pump.
These things should do wonders, no?
I pumped diligently in hope to increase my supply.
And hopefully squeeze out a little bit of colostrum.

But there was nothing.
NOTHING.

The lactation consultant saw me before I left.
She told me calmly I could supplement Lil' J with a little bit of water and observe her.
If she doesn't pee and poo by Day 4, I should supplement her with formula milk.
"It's okay," she said.
She advised me to rotate between latching and formula milk while I build up my supply.

It's as if she knew I didn't have sufficient supply.

I insisted on not supplementing Lil' J with anything other than water once I was home.
I was so uptight, the husband told me much later that I appeared that I was having post-natal blues.
A little nutty.
I'd scream at my mother telling her NOT to give Lil' J formula milk.
I'd insist she spoon feeds my baby.

Then on Day 5 when we went back to the paediatrician for the routine check, Lil' J had to be admitted for jaundice. For that past few days, she barely peed. (6 soppy soiled/wet diapers? Nope.)
That same day, I tried latching Lil' J on while waiting for our turn to see the doctor.
She couldn't.
She was so hungry she couldn't stop wailing.
But I was unable to latch her on.
Dramatic as it sounds, I cried as I rushed to the nursery, begging to buy a bottle of milk for my baby. I remember holding on to a two-dollar note and I was shaking so badly.
The nurses there were nice (probably because I looked hysterical) and they gave me a bottle.


I did not know how empty breasts feel like until I attempted to latch Lil' J on on Day 6, where she was still under phototherapy. She must be really thirsty because she finally latched on and suckled well. I've never felt this happy to have saggy boobs.


I  did not experience let-down until close to a month later.
True story.
Perhaps there was let-down but I couldn't feel anything.


Leaky boobs? Nope. Not until after 8 hours.
I remember it was the trip to the gynae after birth. I went alone without Lil' J and the queue was long.
Somehow I was away from my baby for 8 hours.
Then in the train, I felt that my bra was wet.
Finally!!
I silently did a happy dance because I didn't know what leaky boobs felt like.
(Not a good thing too. That meant supply is really really low.)


I never knew what engorgement felt like until the day I did not attempt to latch for 5 hours.
Then it felt so bad I went to see a lactation consultant again. After that session and some help from my new best friend - My Brest Friend, Lil' J was finally able to latch.

We tried to wean her off the formula milk slowly and when she finally breastfed exclusively for a couple of days, she didn't pee nor poo! Again!!

So I had to supplement her with formula.
My baby's well-being is more important right?



Why the lengthy post?
I saw a blog post from a mother in my birth club.
It was a letter to the breastfeeding mom who said some pretty nasty things to her about the use of formula milk. It's sad because this mom, I knew, tried all sorts of methods to increase her milk supply but to no avail.
Sometimes, it helps if there is more empathy.
I've seeked help from breastfeeding groups before. But all I got was "Breast is best", "You'll definitely have supply. How else did cavewomen* feed their babies then?"
That certainly didn't help and I felt so lousy and useless, the husband made me stay away from those pages.

I understand that breast milk is the best.
But it would be nice if mothers who are blessed with a abundant supply of milk to be little more sensitive to mothers like us.
Us mothers who had to supplement out babies with formula milk, because our milk supply doesn't go drip-drop no matter how hard we tried.

Don't dismiss us or our efforts like that.
For some reason or other, the supply is just insufficient.
(I think mine has got something to do with my mental state during confinement.)

I know of some moms who are unable to bond with their babies because breastfeeding gets so stressful. (And that makes it worse, doesn't it?)

Babies' well-being and growth vs bonding through breastfeeding.
It's pretty obvious which is more important.

So to the breastfeeding enthusiasts, and mothers who advocate breastfeeding,
please do cut us some slack.
We tried.
And if anyone thinks I haven't tried hard enough, or that I'm a bad mom, so be it.


*About cavewomen, I honestly think that those babies whose mothers did not have sufficient milk supply probably did not manage to survive. That's why I'm very thankful that we do have an alternative (formula milk). I still do not believe that ALL women are able to produce enough milk. (Just read the Motherhood magazine and a doctor's response to this was: all women, with sufficient nutrition, rest, and fluid intake, will be able to produce sufficient milk for their babies. Okie. I believe you.)

** I'm still latching Lil' J once to twice a day. Very little I know. But better than none at all right? 

{Baby's Day Out} Marina Square

MARINA SQUARE

We brought Lil' J out to the mall over the weekends to get her the Skip Hop Activity Gym. We know we shouldn't spend like that but this poor girl has just been playing with her hands lately, her daddy doesn't really fancy any mats having plastic toys/ lights and music on the mat itself and I really can't stand having bright colours in the house. Gives me a headache.

Other than trips to the PD, this is the first time we are going out as a family of three. No mothers around to help. I was both excited and nervous at the same time.

We got Lil' J to try out the car seat (finally!) due to my hurting wrist and she was rather cooperative. The hanging mobile helped in distracting her and she didn't fuss until we drove into the mall. It took me a while to realise she was crying due to hunger and not the carseat!

She sat quietly throughout our dinner too, though we gobbled the food at an alarming speed in case Lil' J decides she doesn't really enjoy the stroller anymore.

It was a 4 hour trip and even though there were a little hiccups here and there (a crying baby due to wet diapers), Lil' J was rather well behaved. She slept in her stroller half the time so that made shopping a little easier.

We went home with her new toy and got her a new playpen as well.

There you go, indulgent parents we've become.


Nursing Room
Given that Level 3 of the mall is somewhat dedicated to children, I was hoping for more nursing rooms. There was only one per in each level and being a weekend, it isn't easy to find an empty room.

While Lil' J fussed in Kiddy Palace, the staff was nice to offer an empty changing room so that I can nurse my baby. Alas, it was a diaper change she needed, and not milk. We waited a while at the nursing rooms and decided that we should get all the stuff we needed and change her at home.
Poor baby went home with a sopping wet diaper since it was a 20 minute drive away.
On hindsight, I should have changed her in the stroller instead.

It's be nice if the mall has got more nursing rooms.
Even better if the diaper changing area is separated from the breastfeeding area. :)

6 weeks on

The only reason(s) why I'm (finally) able to blog now:

1) Thank you smartphones and Blogger app

2) I'm off to a gynae visit on my own and that frees me up a little.

6 weeks into mommy-hood and i think I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

Attending to Baby's needs

After a period of 'Why are you crying???', I'm sort of able to identify Lil J's needs. Sometimes I still try my luck but this is roughly what it is.

#1: I'm hungry! 

According to Priscilla Dunstan, babies cry with the 'neh' sound. I've been trying to listen out for this sound but I'm not too good at it. 

Lil' J's hunger cries sounds like 

"ng eh" to me instead. And she usually has her head arched backwards at a really awkward angle.

#2: Diaper change 

If we are lucky, baby responds with an O-shaped mouth if we ask "Do you want to wee wee?" when she fidgets. That means we probably could make it in time to the potty. (My mummy is really good at this.)

Else she cries and I'll look out for blue stars on her Huggies.

#3: Burp me!

She usually fidgets, turn her head left and right and looks like something is stuck in her throat. This is sometimes accompanied by a throaty sound.

#4: I want to sleep 

I'm supposed to listen for the 'owh' sound with an O-shaped mouth. Either baby doesn't want to make it easy for me or I'm really bad at it. 

I usually know that she wants to sleep after she yawns multiple times.

#5: I want to bathe.

This happens usually in the morning. If #1- #4 fails and the back of her head is wet from perspiration, I'll assume Lil J wants her bath. 

Usually she does.

#6: Give me my tummy time.

When Lil' J fusses and #1- #4 fails, I'll try my luck with this one. I'll put her over my shoulder/ on my chest. If she lifts her head happily, I'll give her a brief session of tummy-time.

This usually ends with her looking satisfied.

Breastfeeding 

After a visit to the lactation consultant at Mount Alvernia when Lil' J was 2.5 weeks old, we are finally better at latching. But I'm still supplementing her with formula because she doesn't pee/poo much when she's solely on breast milk. And that scares me.

These days she chooses her milk source. Sometimes she insists on breast milk even when I offer her the bottle. 

That really encourages me to persevere in this journey.

Sleep

I sleep in stretches no longer than 4 hours. Even if Lil' J is sweet to sleep through the night sometimes. I'll wake up wondering why she hasn't summoned me for feeding. 

Me

No one told me that being a momma means that I got to protect my baby from cockroaches and mozzies as well.

Despite the lack of sleep and the constant worries, I'm still very thankful for my little bundle of joy.

Succumbed

My Breastfeeding Journey - Keeping it real.

Hola!

Much as I said I will try to rely less on the pacifier, I gave in. Again.

Baby successfully latched on to one of my boobs and boy, what a triumphant moment! Then, it went downhill from there.

She kicked up a fuss because she was hungry and couldn't latch on to my other boob. I don't blame her. Put a plate of yummies in front of me and tell me I can't eat those, I'd be angry too. She's got her momma's genes. 

So last night, I mastered the art of carrying Baby with one arm, and making her formula milk with the other. With precise measurement of hot and cold water. (Chemistry practicals are my favourite.)

Hallo breastfeeding moms...!! I gave in to formula milk!

I tried nursing her to sleep after that. Boobs are better than pacifier, many of them said. The suckling did knock Baby out like a little drunkard but the moment I shifted myself to put her back into her cot, she wakes again, with her eyes open really wide, staring at me(?)

That lasted for close to an hour. And when I checked the clock, we'd both been awake from midnight till three just for one session of feeding.

I could either continue to latch her and allow her to nurse to sleep, or I could take the easy way out and offer the pacifier.

I chose the latter.

Yes, breastfeeding moms!! I gave in to the pacifier too! Again!

I feel like I had to.

I was already getting dizzy from the lack of sleep. I could continue latching Baby on and risk her falling off my arms (and thus, the bed) if I were to fall asleep.

Or I could place her somewhere safe and allow her to use the pacifier instead. 

I chose safety and sanity.

Steepest learning curve. Ever.

When I was still pregnant, I'd envisioned my baby to be the perfect child. You know, one who won't fuss so much. And even if she does, she can be shushed quickly. 

That's why I set a routine while I was still expecting. I made up songs for shower-time, read stories, and developed a bedtime routine.

I (naively) thought that with all these in place, it might help Baby acclimatise with ease. 

I am so wrong.

All the songs and stories don't seem to work. 

Baby didn't take to my boobs like how I thought it would be. The breastfeeding journey wasn't an easy one so far. In fact, each session starts off like a battle where she struggles to latch while pushing me away at the same time.

Baby fusses at night and after a few nights of struggle, I gave her the pacifier. Just so we can all get some sleep.

I'm sorry I used to judge mothers who bottle feed their children expressed breast milk. Why don't they latch directly?

I'm sorry I judged parents who give their children the pacifier. Why give the babies the pacifier? 

Now that I'm on this side of the court, I understand that there MUST be some difficulties. And I'm really sorry I was so judgemental in the past.

After a few days of exclusive pumping, I'm now trying my best to latch baby on as much as I can. For the special bonding.

I'm also trying not to rely so much on the pacifier to shush her at night.

Most importantly, I'm trying to remind myself that giving my baby formula milk or expressed breast milk, and even the pacifier, doesn't make me lesser of a mom.

That's the tough part. Because I actually do feel lousy at times.

 I'm only grateful that the hubby, the mothers and my friends are very encouraging in this parenting journey.

I do hope that the next time  I blog about my breastfeeding journey, it will be a positive one.