Steepest learning curve. Ever.

When I was still pregnant, I'd envisioned my baby to be the perfect child. You know, one who won't fuss so much. And even if she does, she can be shushed quickly. 

That's why I set a routine while I was still expecting. I made up songs for shower-time, read stories, and developed a bedtime routine.

I (naively) thought that with all these in place, it might help Baby acclimatise with ease. 

I am so wrong.

All the songs and stories don't seem to work. 

Baby didn't take to my boobs like how I thought it would be. The breastfeeding journey wasn't an easy one so far. In fact, each session starts off like a battle where she struggles to latch while pushing me away at the same time.

Baby fusses at night and after a few nights of struggle, I gave her the pacifier. Just so we can all get some sleep.

I'm sorry I used to judge mothers who bottle feed their children expressed breast milk. Why don't they latch directly?

I'm sorry I judged parents who give their children the pacifier. Why give the babies the pacifier? 

Now that I'm on this side of the court, I understand that there MUST be some difficulties. And I'm really sorry I was so judgemental in the past.

After a few days of exclusive pumping, I'm now trying my best to latch baby on as much as I can. For the special bonding.

I'm also trying not to rely so much on the pacifier to shush her at night.

Most importantly, I'm trying to remind myself that giving my baby formula milk or expressed breast milk, and even the pacifier, doesn't make me lesser of a mom.

That's the tough part. Because I actually do feel lousy at times.

 I'm only grateful that the hubby, the mothers and my friends are very encouraging in this parenting journey.

I do hope that the next time  I blog about my breastfeeding journey, it will be a positive one.