Right from Day 2.
I know "Breast is best."
Given the ideal conditions, I'd love to have my baby breastfed exclusively too. Till she's at least six months old. I've read up so many articles on nursing while I was pregnant and I couldn't wait to nurse my baby once she's born.
I even bought breast pads.
Many friends have told me to prepare some formula and bottles in case my supply doesn't come so soon.
I refused.
Because I strongly believe my boobs will be able to provide sufficient food for my baby,
And they don't drink much during the first few days. I read that it is fine for them to go without milk for about 3 days. As long as they pee and poo.
Alas, Life loves to play the game of OPPOSITES.
My baby couldn't latch.
I didn't know Lil' J couldn't latch. Each time the nurse pushed her into the room from the nursery, I'd try my best to latch her on. She was a very sleepy baby that even the nurses had difficulty waking her up for milk. But when we managed to, she was on my boobs and I thought she was taking in milk.
Until a nurse came during one of the feeds, looking rather concerned, and told me that Lil' J hadn't peed nor pooped the entire day.
"We might have to supplement her with milk if she still doesn't pee or poo."
Can I say "no"?
I know it's alright for babies to go without milk for a short while but this girl has got NO output.
As a new mum, I couldn't insist on breastfeeding at the expense of her well-being.
"Okay. But could you please spoon feed her."
I doubt I had colostrum.
I rented a hospital-grade pump.
These things should do wonders, no?
I pumped diligently in hope to increase my supply.
And hopefully squeeze out a little bit of colostrum.
But there was nothing.
NOTHING.
The lactation consultant saw me before I left.
She told me calmly I could supplement Lil' J with a little bit of water and observe her.
If she doesn't pee and poo by Day 4, I should supplement her with formula milk.
"It's okay," she said.
She advised me to rotate between latching and formula milk while I build up my supply.
It's as if she knew I didn't have sufficient supply.
I insisted on not supplementing Lil' J with anything other than water once I was home.
I was so uptight, the husband told me much later that I appeared that I was having post-natal blues.
A little nutty.
I'd scream at my mother telling her NOT to give Lil' J formula milk.
I'd insist she spoon feeds my baby.
Then on Day 5 when we went back to the paediatrician for the routine check, Lil' J had to be admitted for jaundice. For that past few days, she barely peed. (6 soppy soiled/wet diapers? Nope.)
That same day, I tried latching Lil' J on while waiting for our turn to see the doctor.
She couldn't.
She was so hungry she couldn't stop wailing.
But I was unable to latch her on.
Dramatic as it sounds, I cried as I rushed to the nursery, begging to buy a bottle of milk for my baby. I remember holding on to a two-dollar note and I was shaking so badly.
The nurses there were nice (probably because I looked hysterical) and they gave me a bottle.
I did not know how empty breasts feel like until I attempted to latch Lil' J on on Day 6, where she was still under phototherapy. She must be really thirsty because she finally latched on and suckled well. I've never felt this happy to have saggy boobs.
I did not experience let-down until close to a month later.
True story.
Perhaps there was let-down but I couldn't feel anything.
Leaky boobs? Nope. Not until after 8 hours.
I remember it was the trip to the gynae after birth. I went alone without Lil' J and the queue was long.
Somehow I was away from my baby for 8 hours.
Then in the train, I felt that my bra was wet.
Finally!!
I silently did a happy dance because I didn't know what leaky boobs felt like.
(Not a good thing too. That meant supply is really really low.)
I never knew what engorgement felt like until the day I did not attempt to latch for 5 hours.
Then it felt so bad I went to see a lactation consultant again. After that session and some help from my new best friend - My Brest Friend, Lil' J was finally able to latch.
We tried to wean her off the formula milk slowly and when she finally breastfed exclusively for a couple of days, she didn't pee nor poo! Again!!
So I had to supplement her with formula.
My baby's well-being is more important right?
Why the lengthy post?
I saw a blog post from a mother in my birth club.
It was a letter to the breastfeeding mom who said some pretty nasty things to her about the use of formula milk. It's sad because this mom, I knew, tried all sorts of methods to increase her milk supply but to no avail.
Sometimes, it helps if there is more empathy.
I've seeked help from breastfeeding groups before. But all I got was "Breast is best", "You'll definitely have supply. How else did cavewomen* feed their babies then?"
That certainly didn't help and I felt so lousy and useless, the husband made me stay away from those pages.
I understand that breast milk is the best.
But it would be nice if mothers who are blessed with a abundant supply of milk to be little more sensitive to mothers like us.
Us mothers who had to supplement out babies with formula milk, because our milk supply doesn't go drip-drop no matter how hard we tried.
Don't dismiss us or our efforts like that.
For some reason or other, the supply is just insufficient.
(I think mine has got something to do with my mental state during confinement.)
I know of some moms who are unable to bond with their babies because breastfeeding gets so stressful. (And that makes it worse, doesn't it?)
Babies' well-being and growth vs bonding through breastfeeding.
It's pretty obvious which is more important.
So to the breastfeeding enthusiasts, and mothers who advocate breastfeeding,
please do cut us some slack.
We tried.
And if anyone thinks I haven't tried hard enough, or that I'm a bad mom, so be it.
*About cavewomen, I honestly think that those babies whose mothers did not have sufficient milk supply probably did not manage to survive. That's why I'm very thankful that we do have an alternative (formula milk). I still do not believe that ALL women are able to produce enough milk. (Just read the Motherhood magazine and a doctor's response to this was: all women, with sufficient nutrition, rest, and fluid intake, will be able to produce sufficient milk for their babies. Okie. I believe you.)
** I'm still latching Lil' J once to twice a day. Very little I know. But better than none at all right?
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