"I'll be all alone"

"I'll be all alone."
"But I'll be all alone."
"Then I'll be all alone."

These are the words I didn't expect coming from someone who has enjoyed playing by herself for the past 2.5 years. I'm thinking it's the age. But hearing that from J makes my heart hurt a little, even though I'd smile at her and assure her she's never alone - I'll always be somewhere near.

Some days, I wonder if it came about because I'm more focused about spending time on my own things lately, be it chores or just hiding in a corner, surfing the net. I've allowed her to watch an hour of TV each day, selected clips of course. In the past, I'd sit beside her while she was watching and we'll enjoy the videos together. Then I realised that I could get things done while she was watching so I started doing chores during that period. And THEN, I realised, hey, I could surf the net on my phone while she was watching the TV! Me-time!

BUT (yes, there's always a 'but'. A big, bold one...)
I noticed her sneaking looks at me when I'm on my phone. Then the look on her face changes to something that looks like disappointment. That made me very guilty. I used to pride myself for being able to disconnect. I even wanted to write a post on that but I didn't because I was so disconnected and I enjoyed it. I don't know why I went back to the phone again.

I was there, right beside her. But, I wasn't there.

That kinda sucks, even as I'm typing this down.
So (I don't know where this is heading, once again) I have to remind myself that I need to be more present. I know I'm capable of doing it, and I know I have to do it.
Because, next year, she goes to school.
And I'll probably be the one saying "I'll be all alone."